Ri's Poetry - Poems by Mouse
'Where Were The Trees That Blossomed?'
(My very first poem of Adult years, written shortly after beginning ‘serious’ therapy for childhood abuse)
The seasons come and go and yield things new -
Winter, Autumn, Summer - but Spring?
Hidden from view!
The season that for me speaks of hope afresh and light,
was Stolen from me -
Taken that first night!
Wind and hail, in force, engulfed the child,
And through the years they 'mimicked' her,
Her pleas, her tears - unheard, grew wild.
Invading heat filtered down, forced sun suits to be worn,
and bare flesh 'ached' to be covered.
She soon again would mourn.
The leaves then fell, as did her 'self',
laid silent on the ground,
Until "they" came, destroyed the peace,
One mound, but "hush!!!" - no sound.
The blossoms still I cannot see, for you have made me blind,
By taking what you needn't have;-
My body - and my mind!
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'The Visit'
( I wrote this the following year.)
A stranger called on me today she said she'd heard my 'plea',
To have someone to hold me close, to guide and comfort me.
Her name she didn't let me know, she said as I 'moved on'
That I would know, 'within' myself,
That's where 'she' had come from.
She told me:-
"It's alright to cry, to unleash all your fears,
You cannot banish years of hell, without releasing tears.
"You have a right to 'find' yourself, let go of guilt and shame,
To feel the comfort of 'safe' touch - break free from all your pain."
I know her as my ally now, and when I cannot cope,
I call the name I found 'within' - her name I know is
'HOPE'!
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'Spirit'
(This was my first poem, on finding Druidry ... although it'd always been there! I was journeying with a shamanic drum CD at the time ...)
Wading in a river of beauty and vibrant light,
A stream of emotion where words have no sound,
In silence of feelings so ‘noisily’ present,
Invading the ‘space’, no invite, but welcomed.
In colours of raindrops entering Whole,
Captivates, Inspires, Instils formless form,
Facets of dreamtimes, of Faeries and wishes,
The Drum-Beat ‘awakens’ the feelings of Calm.
Dancing in a river of beauty and vibrant light,
A waterfall of emotion where words feel no force,
An earthquake of feelings so tenderly entered,
Accepted in Space, invited and warm.
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'3 Feet & a Ladle'
(This poem was written at my first Druid Camp. I was still struggling to deal with the hysterectomy I’d had the previous August. I'd been to see Bobcat in her caravan, and we talked about it. Where I feel 'spirit' mostly, is in my womb area. So incredibly bizarre, but that's where it's always been. Anyway, I had a huge awakening during our talk. I needed to ground, and was struggling. She told me to hold my pot, my cauldron, my spirit, (all internal) on 3 feet, to balance me completely. Hence the title of the poem. Even now, when I wobble, she’ll say to me "3 feet...", and I ground again. After our talk, I was able to release my womb, in a pitch-black field, with many other women, during a rite, and I have never looked back ...)
Lifeless, Empty, Useless - Void,
Body of Hollowness and Mind of Lead,
Screaming, Howling - Imploring Voice,
"Find Me - Take Me - Hold me Close".
My womb now gone, 'tho not by choice,
My Womanhood Destroyed, Discarded - Lost.
Enduring blood aged 3 to 33 ....
A legacy of Pain, Discomfort and Abuse.
"SO TAKE IT AWAY!" My Child screamed out,
"It serves no purpose but to Drain!"
So Why - now it's Gone - Do I feel such 'Loss',
When Surely I should feel Release?
Because it 'Held' me in my Pain,
And Hid me from 'Reality'!
A 'brew' prepared to cleanse and shield
Was Beautified for me today,
My Spirit Brewing - Holding fast,
Withstanding screams which wrest and scourge.
So now my Journey must Begin,
To deal with 'what', and 'who' I am,
And once I'm able perhaps I'll find
The strength to Nurture ... and find release.
My Cauldron Bubbles deep within
And Holds My Essence whilst I feel weak,
No Womb required that I perceive
Myself as Woman, Whole, Complete!
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'Snowdrop Souls' for Imbolc
(This poem transpired following a meditation journey, in which I ‘met’ with another person who had known difficulties in his life. It felt as though we had been connected to one another, since being in our Mothers’ wombs. Candles were lit in the journey, and oaths made to one another, to ‘wait’ for eternity, if that’s how long it took. It was very profound and beautiful. I wish I knew who he was …)
The Innocence raised, a child within
A Soul un-invoked to rise afore
The Purity of Gentleness allows to Join
A Soul of another
It doth allure.
For His has also known a 'veil'
Clouding childhood in differing ways
The Innocence brought forth today
Shalt join together to mend those days.
Waters of Womb though far apart
Have flowed between us all along
Our Souls and Spirits destined to Join
Our Candles lit - Light will prolong.
Infused with Love, with Dreams, with Earth
Until Our Time doth meet it's Birth.
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‘Between The Worlds’ – A Journey Thru’ Time
Staring out through the blinds, I call to the night.
There are no words …
I search the sky for the presence of the ‘last time’ I was here,
And I am taken …
A cave? A tunnel?
It bends and twists and grows and ‘hums’.
And still, I am ‘Here’. Yet ‘There’!
The flashes, the ‘lights’ provoke a change,
But is it Within me? Or With-out?
And then the cavern opens wide – and I am FREE!
Walking ... running – I taste the Pain of Times awaited so many years.
Who’s behind me?
So Close!
Flying … soaring – I feel Her sweet breath, as my form becomes that of another.
Who’s trailing me? Closer still!
Diving … swimming – my form shifts once more, as I sink, to the very depths of the water.
Who’s circling me? I am afraid!
Something ‘touches’ me, and every part of me shudders.
It circles some more, nudging and sliding across and around me.
I am still fearful … until – it enters me!
And I know! It is Him.
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'D.E.C.A.Y.'
(I wrote this poem when I was in full swing of a breakdown in 2002, the one which ended my career in mental health. It is filled with so much of me, and just poured out of me ... I didn't realise until someone pointed it out, that the first letter of each verse spelt out Decay, although I had already named it such. And so, I added punctuation in title, so folks might see. Stephen, if you're reading this ... when you get to the bit about catharsis .. that was you, honey! Bless you!)
Dredging up the pain from the deepest crevices within,
I feel it burrowing, Forcing its way through to my Soul,
Taking me far, far away - into the black swirling mists of Nothingness.
No lanterns to light my way, just deep, dark, Consuming Emptiness, and a Void unable to be filled with even the Sweetest Smelling Love.
Entering the very depths of my being. Insanity? Perhaps!
But there awaits a welcoming smile from a place which has known of Me
Before - before I've escaped its clutches, time and time over!
But has it taken me this time for sure?
Reaching out into the thousand silken chords which 'twine and twist as they try desperately to envelop me in their softness;
For they hear my cry "protect Me"; "hold me".
And oh, how I want them to.
For I so need to be 'held' a while.
No fear within their Stifling, Tightening Suffocation tonight.
'Catharsis' someone called my words today.
But how they burn the very essence of me in their struggle to be heard.
Unable to make sense of a world which pervades another, unable to make sense of another which pervades a world.
"Scrambled eggs" my thoughts just cried .
Why yes, but that's just the entrée in this Feast of Fears and Masquerades.
And how I pray to "WHOEVER THE HELL CAN HEAR ME!" in this Midnight Frenzy and seemingly endless pit of despair - but in silence I implore the Truth of how it is for me, for I feel no place within - or without .
Confusion heightened, a tortured, tormented Soul is mine for sure.
Yet then I lay through veils of tears, and feel Her swallowing me Whole, as my Spirit fights for just a time to rekindle a light so far away, ethereal -but nonetheless present.
But all too soon - fragmented once more.
Where did I go? Where did I begin? Was I ever here, there or anywhere?
For a moment, a glimpse of the familiar saffron coloured tenderness enters my Pot - then fritters away in Her sweet breath as faerie dust, taking my own with Her as my cries become meaningless - even to me - a paradoxical silhouette - dark against dark.
Who then can possibly understand when I speak in such riddles of this place Within, where I simultaneously excoriate and fight to Nurture My Whole?
Who indeed?
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‘Soul-Moon’
(I wrote this, one painstakingly fraught and mind-dangerous night, when I was coming out of a breakdown in 2002. I was screaming at the moon, trying to find where my soul had gone, and when I looked down it was reflected in a puddle below the window sill. It is a tale which taught me so much, that soul doesn't have to be seen to be felt within ... but so much else does.)
Gazing through the rain-soaked pane I am enthralled by your Beauty.
How bright your hue tonight.
Resplendent and Lustrous, it ignites my heart,
Melting the frost of sombre thoughts -
Searing through the bracken and twisted barricades which Eclipse my Soul.
I soak you up.
My Soul …
Yesterday I rode the waves on its energy –
Today?
Helpless in its atrophy …
Diminishing in its transience.
Yet now, a surge of quintessential elixir caresses my whole being
As you wink at me.
Is it still there?
My Soul?
So far beyond my reach!
For one brief moment you are hidden behind a veil of clouds,
Long enough for me to sigh and say “See? Now even You have left Me!”
Stinging tears beset my cheeks as my gaze falls to the paving Slabs below the ‘sill,
Where murky water forms into pools which further cloud my Vision.
And there - I see you.
My consciousness expands in every direction,
Your touch as soft as silk embracing me
As droplets of rain ruffle the puddle-water, causing your shape To shift.
And once again I feel you!
Your image fades in the milky liquid as storm-clouds shroud your Face once more.
I lift my eyes to yours, unable to meet with them,
Yet now I hold the vision of you regardless – safe Within.
And allowing the shadows to fall behind me I inhale deeply,
Breathing in your Faceless Beauty.
And there, in the imageless pool of Water beneath the ‘sill,
I reclaim My Soul …
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'The Briefest Moment'
Slipping into the deep, velvet darkness
I feel my Soul embraced.
Captured by the moment,
Cavernous Oceans of lifetimes past slipping through my fingers,
As I reach into the embers of burnt out coals,
Touching each one, Spirit to Spirit.
I fly!
Taken by the moment.
Away from the torment of yesterday's memories,
Into tomorrow's dreams.
And then, I hear Her!
Yemaya!
A distant, long ignored voice,
Her presence sweeping through me so ferociously,
Yet tender.
I fall!
And allow Her to catch me ...
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