Coldrum Long Barrow; Insanity or Reality

I was born in, and have lived in Kent all my life. My parents were born in Kent. Both sets of grandparents were born in Kent. All great grandparents were born in Kent, and I have traced back even further to discover that only one set of great-great grandparents were not born in Kent. I have a long line of Kentish ancestry. The generations were large and almost all of these family members lived and stayed in Kent. So, I have discovered that I am well and truly Kentish Woman!

And yet, having lived all my life in Kent, until three and a half years ago, I did not know of the existence of the Coldrum Long Barrow. How can this be I now ask myself?

At school I had a love of ancient history, in particular English, Egyptian, and Greek, but my strongest link was with Roman Britain. I loved that part of my history education. As a youngster, I dreamed of marrying a Roman soldier, dressed in his skirt and laced shoes, riding to our “wedding” in his spiky wheeled chariot. What wonderful adolescent dreams these history teachers of mine gave me!

And yet, I somehow “felt” I was much older than that. That I went back further than Roman, but it was all day dreams, and an excuse not to focus on other “boring” parts of my education. All I was ever interested in at school was ancient history, and English literature and drama.

But sadly I grew up and although still very interested in history, regularly visiting museums, old houses, sacred sites, I still did not come across the existence of the Coldrum Long Barrow. It was not to be. It is only now I understand why it was not to be.

Three and a half years ago, in a very sad state of solitary and isolation, I forced myself to go to a workshop in Trosley Country Park run by Rob Wilson. It was his Wild Wood Wisdom workshop and was about learning to resonate with trees and tree spirits.

I had “found” druidry several years before but had worked completely solitary, not wanting to work with others, being too unsure of myself and wondering if it was all in my head anyway, and was I in effect, going mad and losing my mind, and so turning into my solitary as a way of protecting myself.

But I found the courage to attend his workshop. During the day Rob had talked about Coldrum Long Barrow and I said I didn’t even know it existed, but would drive to it after the workshop. I asked for directions and drove round to it.

Suddenly I felt ashamed that this Long Barrow is 35 minutes drive away from where I live and I did not even know it existed.

I parked in the car park and walked down through the fields, feeling sure I was in the wrong place, but I carried on until, turning a corner I came upon the Long Barrow. I was transfixed. I couldn’t move. Suddenly my mind went completely blank. I didn’t feel “real”. As I approached the Stones, I felt a blackness around me and I began to shake. Taking control of myself having decided I must have caught too much sun, I climbed under the fence and stood before the chamber. And I heard voices, but dismissed this as too much sun.

I did not stay long, simply because I was becoming scared of these strange feelings and sensations, and I wanted to run home to my solitary, but I managed to stay long enough to apologise to the Spirit of the Long Barrow for my delay in coming to them, and that I would see them again when I joined an open ritual in their presence, as suddenly I knew I would.

I did go to that open ritual. It was Beltane, and it was my first experience of a public open ritual. I was not sure whether I wanted to be there or not, but soon found myself drawn into the energy of the ritual, but more importantly, to the energy of the Stones themselves.

As I drove home I began to feel again the dark swirling energy that I had first experienced a month before when I had first visited them, and I knew I had to go back on my own. I had to find out if I was losing my mind.

For a week I had very strong dreams and I kept hearing women screaming, and seeing them running, with spears in their hands, and a strong, strong feeling that I was one of those women, but I couldn’t make sense of it.

A friend came to stay for the weekend and I took him to Coldrum with me. I was too scared to go alone. It was a damp cold day and we sat together in the chamber and he took me on a journey meditation. After a while I saw a young long black haired girl, and knew I was that girl dancing happily and singing to herself, but then I felt myself become a bird. An eagle. I could feel the wings and the feathers but I also knew my wings were tied and I was getting concerned because I needed to fly to Stonehenge via Avebury and I couldn’t because my wings were tied. I felt there was a connection of some kind between Coldrum and Stonehenge but had no idea what. This journey did not make any sense to me.

We left Coldrum Long Barrow, and again I knew I had to come back, the next time on my own.

Still the dreams were haunting me. Still I kept seeing and feeling the fighting wild warrior women, and so I found courage and returned to Coldrum one evening on my own.

With just incense, I began a simple ritual, and during that ritual I again saw the women, and the feeling that I was one of them grew stronger and stronger. I saw clearly now. I saw myself dressed in dark clothes, with long black hair, carrying a spear. I wasn’t the leader of the women but I was a second-in-command. This “journey” became stronger and stronger as I became that warrior woman, and suddenly so much made sense. I knew I was a wild warrior woman. I fought. I defended. I was part of the tribe that had lived here.

As I returned from the “journey” I moved from the bottom of the chamber to the Guardian Stone, and sat down, and I heard him speak to me. I asked if I had gone mad. If I had gone into total insanity, and he replied no, I had not. I had found myself. I had found who I was, and who I am. And now I had to work with it and accept it. This ritual tonight would shape my future. But I had to accept who I was, and who I am. It was easy to say yes I do accept, sitting there talking to a stone, but not so easy as I drove home in the reality of the traffic.

For several days I refused to allow myself to think about this experience, but within a week I had returned to Coldrum, and again I saw with such clarity the women. I could feel the spear in my hand. I could feel the clothes on my body. I could feel the mud I was running through. I could feel the wild, passionate emotions of the women defending their land and their tribe.

By now I knew I had to contact Rob, and he told me about the Cantiaci Tribe and the warrior women of that tribe, and I knew I had to work with this. I knew I belonged to that tribe, but in reality, I didn’t want to think about it, yet alone accept it. I kept feeling I must have lost it and really gone insane this time.

Over the next few months I visited Coldrum more and more frequently, working alone. Connecting into the women. Gradually accepting that I was one of them. My existence in the now was without any doubt in my mind, their spiritual energy. I am a fighter. I will fight to the death to defend and protect myself and anyone who is close to me. I would kill to defend and protect. I am wild, passionate, warrior woman. And suddenly my life began to make sense. I have always fought for what I believe in. I have frequently ended up in trouble defending and protecting that which is important or dear to me. I have “battled” time and time again against injustices, mine or others. This is who I have always been, but it was only now I realised the significance of who I am, and from where I came.

And so, as I visited Coldrum more and more frequently, I found stronger and stronger connections to the women. I did ritual for them. They did ritual for me. I met with their Tribe Leader and he initiated me back into the Tribe, and slowly I began to lose the feeling that I had found insanity, and began to accept that I had found reality.

I have gone to the women in tears, to be given healing. I have gone to them for help, and been given answers. I have been given messages for others. I have fought alongside them and for them. My connection to their energy has grown stronger and stronger, and gradually began to seep out from Coldrum to other areas.

The warrior women come to me in my own woods in Biggin Hill. I have experienced strong connections and messages from them whilst in Trosley Woods. I have connected into them in other parts of Kent. I have found them journey with me to other parts of England, and Wales. I have become one of them.

And recently, on a hot summer afternoon, at Coldrum Long Barrow, I dedicated my new Dartmoor drum to the energy of the wild warrior women, and this deep, intense, dedication was accepted by them, in a very strong and powerful ritual. When I play my drum and call to them through my drum. they will respond, in celebration or in protection, regardless of where I am. With passion they will fight alongside me and for me, as I fight alongside them and for them. They will come to me through my drum. We fight together. We celebrate together. My connection to their energy is becoming stronger and stronger. I am Kent Cantiaci Wild Warrior Woman. Through their spiritual energy, at Coldrum Long Barrow, I have found reality. At Coldrum Long Barrow, I have found myself.

I could write pages and pages of experiences I have had with them. Of messages. Of rituals. Of understandings. Of connections. Of laughter, and of tears. Of ecstasy, and of pain…………and maybe one day I will………