Where to begin? With my third daughter, as it is she who is teaching me how to be a mother. For the past two months, I have been getting up in the night to feed my little baby. Dreams end early as I am woken up in the stillness of the night by tiny noises. Her murmurs become louder, and then she shouts in her own little way, “mom I’m hungry!!!”. My voice calms her as we go downstairs and sit in the lounge, just the two of us in this time of wonder. She latches on, and begins to feed, desperate at first, its been a few hours since she last ate, then she slows and enters a trance-like state, her eyes looking into mine, Oxytocin, the milk producing hormone surges through me, a happy, relaxing hormone, making me smile, and become calm.
Here in the still of the night, we are one, mother and child. She follows her instinct to find the breast and take nourishment. I follow mine to feed my child. When she has had her fill, she lies with her head on my shoulder, I rub her back waiting for a satisfied burp. Then I hold her on my lap, her eyes full of wonder, and sometimes a smile on her lips. We talk about the world outside, and I tell her stories. On a clear night, we can see the stars, and the moon shining upon this wonderful time. On other nights, we listen to the wind blowing, and the rain pouring down the windows. We huddle together knowing that we are safe inside. Sometimes I think of our female ancestors, whose milk was the only food for their children, and I feel a connection to them through my breast feeding. I am glad though that I have a warm place to do it, and not have the fear of hungry wild animals or cold weather.
This is our time together, a beautiful, tranquil time. When the other members of the family are asleep, and I can dedicate myself to my smallest child, the only interruption being the cats who decide to join us, curling up beside us on the sofa, purring contentedly. After a while, a nappy change and sometimes another feed, my daughters’ eyelids get heavy, and I gently rock her to sleep, singing a lullaby or two.And so to my other daughters, I breastfed them too, but for a shorter time, as advised by medical professionals, due to the medication I have to take for epilepsy.
Telling myself I had to stop, and replacing my milk with formula, seemed to detach me from them somehow. With my second daughter, I had postnatal depression, and sometimes I think that if I had breastfed for just a bit longer, that might not have happened. I did have that time with them in the night, that wonderful time, but as they began to sleep through, that time was lost. I will have to stop breastfeeding my third daughter sometime soon, but will still get up with her and we will share the beautiful, tranquil time.
As they all grow, I find different ways to share time with them. With my eldest, it’s drawing and painting, with my second, it’s playing new games, and building castles and “stone” circles with building blocks. As the spring arrives, we shall all walk through the woods and see the new life returning to the land, seeing the wonder as if for the first time.
So what has all this to do with druidry? To me, Druidry is getting back to the instincts within us, the instincts to care for our families, and the land that we live upon. Through breastfeeding I am following my instincts, it’s the natural thing to do. I try to include my family in my druidry, though sometimes 7 year olds prefer to go and play, than stand in a circle, and 18 month olds like to pick up the things on the forest floor, rather than stand and look around at the trees. But all of this is part of druidry too. Running off and getting your hands dirty, playing with the earth, not just walking upon it or standing with others in a ceremony to honour her and the changing seasons.
At first I thought that Druidry was an adult path, something that you did in your own time, and while I do need time to myself occasionally, walking the path with my children helps me to open my eyes twice and see the world with childlike wonder.
I have noticed that I use the words “wonder and wonderful” a lot in this, but then isn’t that what druidry is? The wonder of the world and everything in it? I believe it is.