There is a simple formula which I use in Separation Rites, and it is one that is best explained, rather than presented as a rite to follow. The rite is not one which the partners can simply arrive at, say their piece and leave. There is much preparation needed, and the only way these rites work is when the relevant people are wholly active in the process.
Generally, when a couple come to me for guidance or as a priest, I start with a session of talking through the situation. Sometimes the couple both come (sometimes more than 2 people are involved), but more often I see each person separately. There are times when only one of the partnership is able or willing to do the rite, and although not ideal, their process of ritual is still deeply worthwhile.
The purpose is to find honour.
It is simply about a gift.
First, each partner is asked to spend time considering all that they have gained from the relationship. It is important here to distinguish between the pleasure of the relationship itself and the learning we have gained for ourselves from that relationship; the individual is seeking how the partnership has allowed him/her to grow in learning, strength, beauty, creativity and understanding.
Although this can be hard when anger is at the fore, acknowledging what we have gained is a potent way of settling the emotional storm. We must ensure that we aren’t holding onto lessons or things gained in any possessive or competitive way. This is not about winning points; it is about acknowledging true achievement. For what we truly learned from the relationship, we can take with us as we walk away. We can own the experience, and the strength, understanding, even wisdom it has given.
When a relationship has been emotionally or physically abusive, it can feel impossible to find anything that feels positive. Gratitude can seem unreachable. If this state cannot be reached, the individual is simply not ready for a rite of separation. Healing is still needed.
Once this precious gratitude is found, however, each person is encouraged to explore a way of saying thank you to the other person. The process is of creating something from the inspiration of what we have learned.
This thanks often comes in the form of a poignant gift. If the couple are able to communicate and the rite is to be made together, the gift can be given to the other person face to face, so directly expressing the gratitude for all the positivity and learning. If the other person is not able to be a part of the process, the gift might be given to someone else … a child, a charity, the earth as a whole. We are not looking for acknowledgement or thanks in return: this is our exchange for all we’ve gained and we are simply saying thank you.
Once the gift has been decided
(and it can take months of healing and preparation
before reaching this stage),
it is time for the ritual.
Sometimes couples return to the place of their vows, and sometimes with the priest who handfasted or witnessed their commitment vows. Such rites can be done anywhere, however, and with anyone present.
Offerings are first made to the spirits of place and the spirits of the ancestors, giving thanks and asking that they witness what is done. If a couple wish, a full ritual circle, a Druidic temple, can be cast, consecrated and blessed with awen, powers of nature, gods and ancestors invited to be present, to witness and inspire. But often this feels too formal and elaborate for such an intimate and often painful ritual. The simplicity of silence, of each person present making offerings to the spirits in their own way, and then taking time again in silence to find presence, stillness and certainty: this is most often all that is truly needed and wanted.
Once the stillness of sacred space is achieved, the priest often asks the couple why they have come to this place, and each is given the chance to answer for themselves.
The priest then explains that the rite of separation is based on the exchange of honour, and asks each one to make their exchange. Here, one at a time, the individuals speak of what they have gained from their relationship, their partnership, their love. They may speak of the other person’s value, of what they have shared. They speak of what they have learned.
And they give their gift of gratitude.
The deeper the sincerity, the more powerful the rite.
There is sadness, heartbreak, tears, embraces, awkwardness, pain. There is a sense of the future, opening out ahead, and that can be terrifying, evoking more of the hurt that is loss. It is important to allow the rite to pause where it needs to pause, to be silent where it needs silence. And for that road ahead to become clear.
The priest, when she/he perceives a road there for both individuals, asks if they are ready for her to close the rite, and if so, she makes the necessary thanksgivings and prayers, opening the circle/temple according to how formally it was created. When the circle is open, she invites the two to take their steps forward, upon their own separate roads.
Most often at this point, the couple have decided to walk away
without turning back. And so it is done.
The priest clears the ritual site.
It is not an easy rite.
But it is powerful both in preparation and in practice.
Emma Restall Orr (Bobcat)