personal experience of deity, by Julia Wildfyre
When I reach to her, I am aware of the incredible, incredible wonder of the universe, the infinite darkness, the reflection of death upon life, illuminating the wonder of existance. Darkness, emptiness pouring through. My goddess doesn’t come dressed as death in dark robes and skulls and blood, or war. She is the blackest, the deepest void.
Not that of despair and emotion, but complete and utter emptiness. Not loneliness. Not isolation. Just emptiness … plain, simple emptiness. She is the great container for existance, and her presence permeates through all things, in between every cell and surrounding every physical form, a great darkness. Not potential. Just Abyss. Rich in extraordinary, perfect contrast, to hold All That Is in its grasp … and as such, almost precarious and so ephemeral, that in her presence I never fully believe I am here, existing. Because at any minute I feel that I might just fall away into the nothingness … into her, into her nothingness.
And she is everywhere, in every bit of my body, and in my fingertips and moving through with my blood, and in the pixels of the computer screen, and the fibres of the rug beneath me. We are saturated with it. As truly as fish swim in water. And it moves throughout everything. Moves? I am not sure if it moves or if it is still … it seems like both.
Sometimes she seems scary, and I feel a fear of mortality and madness. But I would not live without her, because if I did I would be asleep, acting like a machine and completely blind to the incredulity of our presence. I remember a line from a poem Bobcat wrote, published in a Moonwise Diary a couple of years ago: ‘and my dying is a breath away’ … that keeps spinning in my head … my death and my life seem bound up together. I feel like I’m dancing on a knife edge between the two every day. But not in a gory, scary, depressing way. It just illuminates how alive I am.
Yet, feeling her within and around me, my own nothingness seems so near that I can stamp my feet and be amazed everyday. Just completely amazed. Not in a way that is at all fake or insincere … it is the most sincere feeling in the universe. I am astounded.